It is almost five years now since that day during the summer when we watched our baby… Archie, although he wasn’t really our Archie then, just an Archie we looked forward to meeting, to loving… move around the television screen, an image transmitted from the ultrasound machine in the doctor’s office. The technician was examining the baby, measuring him, chatting away. And then she grew quiet, and I realized, too, that John was moving closer to me, reaching for my hand, and it felt as if my insides were beginning to shake.

It is almost five years now since we first heard the words “heart defect,” and then listened as the doctor explained, “This particular defect is very common in babies with Down syndrome. I recommend an amniocentesis to confirm the diagnosis.”

Then he added, “I’m sorry.” And we were, too, John and I.

It seems so odd now, looking back. To be honest, that was a bad time for us, but now the memory of it all feels wistful, bittersweet. That was when we took our first steps into this new life that now feels so familiar, so right. We were frightened, to be sure, but time and distance have softened the jagged edges of that doctor’s words and added a knowingness to my memories. I wish I could go back now to that time, an invisible me from today, and stand beside the woman I was then, whispering in her ear, “Don’t be sorry. You’ll see. It’s going to be so, so good.”

My copy of Jennifer Graf Groneberg’s Road Map to Holland arrived in the mail late yesterday afternoon. I’ve stolen moments here and there to read Jennifer’s words, and I’ve managed to finish the first chapter and begin the second. I’ve cried all sorts of tears while reading, but mostly ones filled with the memories and recognition her words stir inside me.

Yes, you’re right! I’ll think while reading. I remember thinking that same word, feeling that same way. My familiarity with her story makes me think she’s telling each of our stories, unique as they are, all of them rolled together, then tied-up with our common threads.

I can’t wait to finish Jennifer’s book. I think you should read it, too. It doesn’t matter if you have a child with special needs, or not. We mothers are all the same after all.